Resilient

This is Alkaline Trio's "Clavicle" off their new album Damnesia due out next week.  This is a collection of songs from their previous albums done in a new acoustic style.  If you like Alkaline than check this out.  I downloaded the leak today and it is solid from start to finish.  It is playing for the second time today as I type....

A week or two ago I found myself at home working out on a Saturday night.  It was a great workout and I was really loving the music that was playing and the post workout high was in full effect.  Right at that moment a friend of mine texted me about an inside joke we have had for a couple years now.  I was laughing as we exchanged a few texts and than he said something that kinda took me by surprise... something along the lines of I can't wait to go out and party with you.  I sent back an almost automatic response along the lines of "me too bro" but I sat staring at my phone for a minute after it was sent.  There was so much more that needed to go along with that message.  So much that was left unsaid. I slumped down on the couch and just listened to my music and my mind went into overdrive....

I used to drink.  A lot.  I was a regular out at the bar.  A great night out generally consisted of me getting very intoxicated.  I was the guy that would show up to watch the Giants, and drink a couple six packs during the course of the game.  What better way to celebrate a birthday than out at the club drinking.  There's nothing to do tonight, so lets go to the bar.  Bad day at work?  Blow off some steam with a few drinks.  My friend was one of the little band of brothers I would go out with on a regular basis.  I had some bad luck, made some very stupid decisions and was very irresponsible which led to me getting multiple DUIs and almost killing myself in a car accident all linked to my drinking. There is a long and pathetic list of ramifications for me from my abuse of alcohol.

But that was then.

I have not had a drink since September 14th of last year.  I have been through the ringer, but I have proven to be very resilient.  That is a word I love, Resilient.  Asked to describe myself in one word that would be the answer given.  I have made a lot of changes in my life over the course of the past year.   I made a conscious decision at one point to remain positive, to keep a good attitude and continue to keep doing the next right thing.  No matter what the situation is.  My lifestyle is different now than it was a year ago, and its all for the better.  I am no longer cocky and arrogant.  I am extremely self confident but I have a humility now that keeps me grounded.  I feel stronger now than ever before in my life. 

And this is now.

That resolve is going to be challenged though, and it will often come unexpectedly.  Most people still know me and remember me as the guy I was a year ago.  Who loved to go out and have a good time, he drank hard and partied harder.  Always a good time.... But that is no longer me.  What I have been through and the changes I have made are not something I can honestly expect most people to understand.  The man I am today is one who doesn't drink, and is never going to be that ridiculous drunk.  I may never drink again, and I am OK with that. 

This little exchange with my friend won't be the last time that I have to confront someone with this reality.  That knowledge bothered me for a while. I had a really good conversation with a close friend of mine about this very topic, and exchanged emails with another.  What bothered me is the thought of "will I lose some of my closest friends over this?"  Will things ever be the same again?  Well I was given a very good piece of advice that answers this little dilemma for me.  I am not the same person that I was a year ago, and so I cannot expect my relationships with people to be the same.  They will evolve the same way my life has.  And if someone cannot accept that, than they will be left behind.  It is always hardest to address issues like these with those closest to you, but I am no longer worried by that.  My resolve is deep.  I have faith that my friends will be able to make that adjustment, but I am ready if they cannot.  I will continue to be resilient.