Monuments and Melodies

 I just finished up a fairly productive afternoon.  I made the reservation for the camping/hiking/biking trip I am taking to Jim Thorpe in a month.  A long weekend of biking and hiking that I have been looking forward to all summer.  Finished up my first assignment in my online History Class, sent an email to the artist who did my tattoo to see about an appointment for my next one and caught up on some chores around the house like laundry and that pile of dishes in the sink.  My love of Pandora radio grows with each passing week.  It makes it easy to forget about the anniversary I just observed yesterday....

Last night around 1045-1100 was exactly two years to the day of the accident that almost cost me my life.  I blacked out after excessively drinking at my friends house, climbed into my car and attempted to drive home.  One minute I'm sitting at a table doing shots with my friends, the next I am running down the road bleeding and confused, scared, determined to make it home. 

I have saved this picture because along with the scar on my arm it is a reminder of what I allowed to happen.  The irresponsible behavior which put me in that position.  My disregard for my own well being, that devil may care attitude which almost took my life or someone else's.  The self destructiveness that almost destroyed me.  All of these things and more.

Two years later, I can look at this picture and I know that all those things were destroyed just like my car that night.  It took a while for me to realized that.  One of the things that I always struggled with was talking about things that bothered me.  To almost anyone.  My closest friends, girlfriends, my family, I tried to keep everything to myself and just deal with it, or bury it deep and move on as if it wasn't an issue at all.  But those demons always get to you in the end.  You accumulate enough skeletons in your closet and before you know it there's not enough room to hide them anymore.  This is still something I struggle with at times, but I am aware of it and I work at it.  Writing has helped a lot.  It is good for the soul to clean out the closet and clear your conscience. 

I spent some time last night with a friend of mine that I haven't seen much of in a while.  We baked brownies, drank some tea and talked for hours.  It was perfect.  She is an amazing person and probably one of the only people who ever knew about some of those demons of my past.  I had a falling out with her and didn't speak to her for almost a year and it was over something stupid and was highly influenced by the girl I was seeing at the time.  But last night we sat around talking like we always have and it felt great.  It really makes me appreciate the people that I have in my life and the importance of making sure you take care of those relationships and don't abuse them.  Never throw them away over something stupid. 

So two years removed from that fateful night, I am a much better person.  I see it in every aspect of my life now.  I have never felt stronger or more confident in myself.  As I move on with my life I will continue to build on that, striving to better myself.  But I will never get rid of this picture, and I am glad that I carry that scar on my arm to remind me of where I have come, and where I am going.

Dream On

I had one of those days on Thursday that I just wanted to break something.  I felt so much pent up frustration that I just wanted to lash out.  At that moment I felt as if I had reached a dead end.  I felt stuck, caught up in a deep rut, I felt like my life was is on pause right now and I couldn't find the play button!  I was so pissed off, mostly at myself, that I didn't know what to do.  I paced, cursed, set up my weights to workout but was too anxious to really start any kind of workout.  Finally I grabbed my headphones and iPod and just went for a walk.  It helped to cool me off and let my mind come to grasp with what was really upsetting me.  It was a nice night so the cool air made me feel a lot better.

I came to this conclusion:

The obstacles that we come across in life sometimes have the feel of a brick wall.  There is no way that I can get around this.  What am I supposed to do?  It can be a helpless feeling.  But those brick walls are not in place to prevent us from reaching our goals.  They are there to force us to prove how badly we want something.  If you want it enough you will figure out a way around the wall.  It may take time, you might have to think outside the box and often you have to work harder or do something unpleasant to get there.  That old cliche comes to mind "where there is a will, there is a way."  Cliches generally have a lot of truth behind them.  I believe in this philosophy about brick walls in life.  Do not give up on your dreams, just work harder to try and make them your reality.

If you have not done so, I highly recommend reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch.

Maybe?

Today was a well deserved day off for me after a crazy weekend at work.  Usually I would be more productive but today was truly a day of rest.  I did nothing except lounge around, surf the net, toss the ball for my dog and read.  R and R at its finest.  I found myself watching the movie "Just Friends" which was on tv earlier tonight.  I enjoy most Ryan Reynolds movies despite the common theme and type cast feel of them all.  Romantic comedies tend to be a guilty pleasure of mine.  You can hide it much better when your in a relationship and can simply blame the movie choice on your girlfriend.  But being single I have pretty much let the cat out of the bag at this point.  Notting Hill with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts is an all time favorite.  I am not embarrassed by this but I would certainly never invite "the bros" over for a movie night of "The Proposal" and "Sex and Other Drugs."  I do remember a night watching A Walk To Remember with one of my best friends and his dad.  Nothing like a Mandy Moore movie and some cold lagers for some quality male bonding time.

So back to the movie.  In a nutshell it is the story of a boy who develops an unrequieted love for his childhoold best friend.  Later in life, the all grown up little Romeo goes back and tries to win her heart after all.  Its a good movie, and true to form it has a happy hollywood style ending.  An entertaining movie to be sure.  It left me thinking "yea that shit never happens in real life" and wondering how many people have a situation they can relate to?  That old one that got away scenario.

I found myself wondering about that kind of situation. Would I have the balls to make a move of my own if it ever presented itself to me?  I have found personally that there tends to be a perceived window of opportunity in life and once we feel that window has been closed... so does our chances.   Thats the way we tend to look at things.  I know that is the case with me.  There is that moment where you say to yourself "I missed my chance" and its as if you have thrown in the towel.  Once your mindset changes its hard to go back. 

You can meet that special girl who just seems perfect... but maybe the situation is not perfect.  Maybe she already has a boyfriend or a complicated situation with an ex that makes her unavailable.  Maybe she becomes single, but you no longer are.  Maybe you have been friends so long it makes it impossible to get beyond that, the dreaded "friend zone" that the movie refers to.  Maybe that chemistry you thought you had was really only one sided. 

But what if these are all just excuses you have made up to justify the fact that you did not take that chance to find out the truth.  There may be a little of the romantic in me, but tonight that is the question that has caught my attention.  Not all the bullshit maybes.  Hollywood will always be full of fantasy and fairy tale endings, but in life we get to write our own stories.  How they end depend largely on whether we are going to write our own story or just go with the flow and hope that it ends up ok.

Maybe...

Smile, It's Not That Bad!

Its a beautiful night, and I am lounging outside on my back patio with my laptop listening to music.  My dog Reno is laying at my feet.  My constant companion when home, he refuses to be left inside while I am out here, and I can't hold that against him on a night like this.  Tonight's soundtrack is currently Muse.....

What is it that makes a person happy?  What is life all about. Here are some of the things that work for me:

Smiling truly can be contagious.  So smile even if you do not feel like it.

Read a book.  I love to read and have decided to stop making excuses and to start making more time for it.  Reading sharpens your mind, expands your vocabulary and keeps your imagination flowing. It doesn't matter how old we get, its a travesty to let your imagination become stagnant.

Be kind and courteous to everyone you come across.  Why has it become the exception rather than the rule for people to exercise simple manners?  Hold the door open.  Say "please, thank you, excuse me."  Show respect for the elderly.  Are any of these really all that difficult? 

Be humble.  A little humility goes a long way.  If you cannot put your pride aside you will miss out on a whole lot that life has to offer.

No, be more humble than that.

Make exercise an essential part of your life.  It can be as simple as walking or as hardcore as running marathons.  Physical fitness is such an important part of mental health.   Spend less time on the couch and more time out and about.  Join a gym.  Grab a buddy and walk or go for a run together. 

Family is important.  Love your family unconditionally. 

Keep an open mind.

Never give up on yourself. 

Nothing worthwhile comes easy so work hard for what you want in life.

These are some of the most important lessons I have learned in life.  At twenty six years old I still feel like my journey is just beginning but I have already come a long way.  Each experience in life teaches us something new about ourselves.  As you accumulate this knowledge you begin to develop your own set of core values.  It is important to be able to take a moral inventory of yourself from time to time.  

Take a moment now to think about your own moral inventory.  What do you want in life? What is important to you?  Are you truly happy?  Why?  Ask yourself these questions and take a look at how you are answering them.  Be honest with yourself.  Questioning yourself is not the problem, not having an answer to those questions is where the problem may lie....

It is important to take that moral inventory of yourself from time to time.  It allows us to acknowledge where we have come from and helps us to figure out where we are headed.  It may not always be clear how we are going to get there, and thats ok, but its important to have a destination in mind.  A goal that you can work towards. 

To me, in the end, we all make a decision whether to be happy or not.  And true happiness will fill you up and you will have the desire to share it.  The only way to keep that happiness is by giving it away... sharing it with those around you.  Sometimes, it can be as easy as simply smiling.....