The Story So Far

I sat down tonight to write about a book I had recently read.  Its an amazing story of resilience, survival and the strength of the human spirit. This book left me feeling inspired and I wanted to write about the effect that this book has had on me.  "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand is a must read, but I find myself unable to write about it.  I am having one of those nights where my mind is wandering from thought to thought, never lingering for more than a moment on any single one.  It is similar to those moments where you are laying in bed before sleep finally takes you.....

Throughout the past week there have been several topics I wished to explore in writing and the intent to set aside time for it was there. But each night I would come home from work and a different distraction would keep me from ever logging on, the Yankees or my regular workouts are frequent offenders.  Tonight was a scheduled off day from my exercise routine and the Yankees are destroying Oakland so that game has grown boring.  So I decided to fire up the laptop and get some writing done.  Its approaching 11 o'clock at night so hoping for a cooler atmosphere I headed out to the back porch to type away and enjoy the evening.  Perfect setting.  However this heat wave is relentless and its still 90 degrees out so I have retreated to my room downstairs in the comfortably cool basement.  And in the process my train of thought, so precarious on nights such as this, has been shot.  I find myself going back over the week I have had.  "Unbroken" has faded away and so have all those other ideas. 

Have you ever had one of those "Oh damn" moments where you realize that you have finally accomplished something?  Your finally over that girl who broke your heart.  Perhaps you finally earned the respect of a coach or admired peer.  Maybe you finally made your Dad proud.  Finally appreciating that your not in high school/college anymore.  Whatever it is, its a moment of appreciation.  Taking a look at where you are and how you have changed from where you were at point A and where you find yourself now at point B. 

I remember one of my first "Oh damn" moments was going back to visit my 5th grade teacher Mr Strauss for the first time.  I was a freshman in High School at the time and I had not been back to my elementary school since I had graduated four years earlier.  Walking in the school everything seemed so much different.... and small.  The desks, the water fountain, the kids running around the halls. It seemed like I had come so far.

There have been many other times.  They often occur when visiting places from your past.  For me I have been feeling it at work lately.  When I first started I didn't care about my job at all, it was just something to hold me over until I could find something better.  I was kind of an asshole, loud and obnoxious.  I was lazy and unproductive a lot of the time.  My first year I almost quit twice and nearly got fired at one point.  Now I am a leader, trying to get the most out of those around me.  Doing my best to encourage and motivate everyone around me.  A drastic change from my begining five years ago. 

I am surrounded by little reminders of my past and measurements of my progression in life.  On my desk across the room from me is my original name badge from Sam's Club.  Hanging next to it are my dog tags from when I was in the Marines and my grandfathers tags he wore in the Army during World War Two.  A collage of photos hangs in a corner spanning the past ten years of my life.  A collection of books I have been accumulating my whole lifee fills a case in the corner.  All sorts of memorabilia of my life fill this room but these are just little monuments to the past. 

Those little "Oh damn" moments of revelation are more like the ending of a chapter in the ongoing story of my life.  Life is unpredictable.  I sat down to write this blog entry tonight on a great book I read, and ended up talking about Mr Strauss and my book case.  The story of my life has been just as unpredictable at times, but its been a great one so far. One more chapter has come to an end this past week but I am excited for the begining of the next.  

Remembering With a Smile

Today was a beautiful day.  This morning after waking up, I took my dog Reno out for a quick bathroom break and ended up spending fifteen minutes out there with him just enjoying the morning.  Deep blue skies with a few streaks of white cloud.  The temperature was perfect, the sun felt warm and inviting.  We watched a squirrel go about collecting his breakfast and listened to the birds.  Reno was disappointed I didn't let him devour the little rodent but quickly forgave me when I broke out the tennis balls.  Taking some time to enjoy such a perfect morning is something I have learned to love in recent months. 

After work today I hopped on my Trek and started my bike ride home.  I was a little irritated when I was leaving because I had misplaced my headphones somehow on my way out the door.  I have gotten used to listening to music when I ride and was at first upset that I would not have any tunes to keep my company on my trip.  It turned out to be a nice change of pace.  It is a different experience to be completely aware of your surroundings as you bike, all the sights and sounds as you pedal along.  The afternoon was just as wonderful as the morning had been.  A little over halfway home I crested a hill and slowed my pace to enjoy the view.  This was just outside Nazareth and I was looking across the fields and trees across the Valley towards Bethlehem.  I was in a good mood and felt at peace with the world around me, I could feel a sense of joy fill me.  In this moment I was reminded of a co-worker and friend of mine who recently passed away. 

Ed Juris will be missed by many.  He was a very kind man and one of the most decent human beings I have ever come across.  I spent many of my breaks with Ed in his little office in the back of the club, talking and laughing, making fun of some of the ridiculous items that members would return.  I can remember grills that were "never used" with grime caked all over the inside or mattresses returned with urine stains.  He was a charter member of the "lunch club" as I called it.  You could just about set your watch by the 12 oclock lunch break that the crew would gather for.... a table full of gossip, reality tv talk and friendly banter.  I was never a fan of Dancing with the Stars but I would try and at least know a couple people that were on each season so I could join in the conversation!  All the ladies.... and Ed.  It was always a great time, and I used to look forward to shifts where my lunch would allow me to be a part of it.  He was loved by all who knew him.  As sad as it is that he is gone, I remember these good times, Ed's laugh and quick wit and I smile in spite of myself. 

Ed may have lost his battle, but he will live on in our memories forever.  Keep smiling Ed, and may you rest in peace my friend. 

Resilient

This is Alkaline Trio's "Clavicle" off their new album Damnesia due out next week.  This is a collection of songs from their previous albums done in a new acoustic style.  If you like Alkaline than check this out.  I downloaded the leak today and it is solid from start to finish.  It is playing for the second time today as I type....

A week or two ago I found myself at home working out on a Saturday night.  It was a great workout and I was really loving the music that was playing and the post workout high was in full effect.  Right at that moment a friend of mine texted me about an inside joke we have had for a couple years now.  I was laughing as we exchanged a few texts and than he said something that kinda took me by surprise... something along the lines of I can't wait to go out and party with you.  I sent back an almost automatic response along the lines of "me too bro" but I sat staring at my phone for a minute after it was sent.  There was so much more that needed to go along with that message.  So much that was left unsaid. I slumped down on the couch and just listened to my music and my mind went into overdrive....

I used to drink.  A lot.  I was a regular out at the bar.  A great night out generally consisted of me getting very intoxicated.  I was the guy that would show up to watch the Giants, and drink a couple six packs during the course of the game.  What better way to celebrate a birthday than out at the club drinking.  There's nothing to do tonight, so lets go to the bar.  Bad day at work?  Blow off some steam with a few drinks.  My friend was one of the little band of brothers I would go out with on a regular basis.  I had some bad luck, made some very stupid decisions and was very irresponsible which led to me getting multiple DUIs and almost killing myself in a car accident all linked to my drinking. There is a long and pathetic list of ramifications for me from my abuse of alcohol.

But that was then.

I have not had a drink since September 14th of last year.  I have been through the ringer, but I have proven to be very resilient.  That is a word I love, Resilient.  Asked to describe myself in one word that would be the answer given.  I have made a lot of changes in my life over the course of the past year.   I made a conscious decision at one point to remain positive, to keep a good attitude and continue to keep doing the next right thing.  No matter what the situation is.  My lifestyle is different now than it was a year ago, and its all for the better.  I am no longer cocky and arrogant.  I am extremely self confident but I have a humility now that keeps me grounded.  I feel stronger now than ever before in my life. 

And this is now.

That resolve is going to be challenged though, and it will often come unexpectedly.  Most people still know me and remember me as the guy I was a year ago.  Who loved to go out and have a good time, he drank hard and partied harder.  Always a good time.... But that is no longer me.  What I have been through and the changes I have made are not something I can honestly expect most people to understand.  The man I am today is one who doesn't drink, and is never going to be that ridiculous drunk.  I may never drink again, and I am OK with that. 

This little exchange with my friend won't be the last time that I have to confront someone with this reality.  That knowledge bothered me for a while. I had a really good conversation with a close friend of mine about this very topic, and exchanged emails with another.  What bothered me is the thought of "will I lose some of my closest friends over this?"  Will things ever be the same again?  Well I was given a very good piece of advice that answers this little dilemma for me.  I am not the same person that I was a year ago, and so I cannot expect my relationships with people to be the same.  They will evolve the same way my life has.  And if someone cannot accept that, than they will be left behind.  It is always hardest to address issues like these with those closest to you, but I am no longer worried by that.  My resolve is deep.  I have faith that my friends will be able to make that adjustment, but I am ready if they cannot.  I will continue to be resilient. 

Moment of Truth

This afternoon Kid came over to my place for our heavy chest workout of the week.  First time we have lifted together and it was amazing.  We always text one another about and during our workouts but to have him here in the flesh was a huge boost.  I set new personal bests in almost every exercise.  My bench is up to 170 as I push towards my goal of 225 by summers end.  This was a perfect day off from work, I am completely satisfied with myself after a great workout and I know it was just as good for Kid.  The pure workout.... so good.

It was a welcome break from work after five tough days.  There was a big promotion going on from the 30th until the 4th and the company has some very high expectations for productivity.  The prep work to get everyone ready for this event was going on for two weeks before it started, and everyone was pretty excited for the results.  The July 4th weekend is a very busy weekend in general with the kind of traffic that we expect every year and to have this event going on it raised the intensity level. 

Needless to say, work was swamped the past few days.  On top of it we had quite a few call outs to add fuel to the fire.  The pressure was on from our General Manager to reach our daily productivity goals and despite a good effort from the team we were falling short.  Saturday morning I opened which involves the front end area of the store ready for the day, counting registers, getting all the paperwork filled out and logged, making sure the supplies are well stocked.  I managed to get it all done but we were hit by early morning crowds and a couple of cashier call offs for good measure.  I was confident that we were all doing our best and working hard despite the heavy workload, but we still only had one Plus membership at noon to show for it and our goal was 30 for the day. 

The GM pulled me to the side to ask what our current number was.  Now I am a no bullshit kind of guy for the most part, especially at work, I hate excuses and rarely offer any.  So rather than make excuses I tried to be confident and positive and let the him know that we just needed to get a roll going, we needed to get a little motivation started, we could still have a good day.  His response was very negative to me.  Frustrated or not his negative attitude instantly pissed me off.  I walked off and soon after went on my lunch break.

Now I am pretty upset but trying to shake it off.  In my head I am feeling unappreciated, insulted even, and completely unmotivated.  "I have been busting my ass for the past four days and this guy is gonna question that?"  The "fuck it" attitude was pretty intense in that moment.  I honestly felt like giving up, just shutting it down and riding out the rest of my shift as easily as possible and than getting the hell out of that place until Monday.  This is the moment where it was decision time.... that little moment of truth.  And it was an ugly moment there.  I could give in to the fuck it attitude or I could rise above.  My break gave me the perfect moment to just take a step back and re-evaluate things.  I chose to rise above.  I sat in the break room and just put it behind me.  I laughed and joked with a couple of my co-workers, listened to a couple songs in my iPhone and bounced back.  I kicked it into overdrive for the rest of my shift. 

A couple things helped me through this, the positive people around me and my ability to recognize that I was being a punk and making that conscious decision to turn it around.  When I left at 330 I think we had 10 of those "oh so important" Plus memberships and things were looking up.  I didn't let that one moment ruin my day and take me off my A game.  It was a tough day but I am pleased with the way everyone worked hard despite the slow start.  To me it was a good day.

I think that in life we are presented with those little moments of truth on a regular basis.  How we respond can often dictate the way our day will go or even the result of a job or task at hand.  It is important to stay positive, and have the ability to keep yourself from giving in and surrendering to the negative.  If you can do that consistently you will be surprised at how much better you will feel about your life in general.  I strive to stay positive each and every day and to stand tall during those moments.  Life is in the details, so live it strong!