Born to Run

Sad news today.  Clarence Clemons, long time member of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band, passed away due to complications from a stroke he recently suffered.  Clemons and his saxophone were a staple of the band from 1972 until today.  My mom is a huge fan and was near tears when I broke the news to her.  So in honor of "the big man" as Bruce so affectionately called him, the song for today's blog is "Born to Run."  One of my favorite Springsteen songs, note the killer solo Clemons has around 2:12.

So this evening I have spent mostly enjoying some soothing music and drinking tea.  An odd choice on a hot day but the combination of this Tazo focus tea and Pandora radio's Mumford and Sons station is a killer combination to kick back and relax.  I realize this is not a very exciting Saturday evening, but I also don't give a shit.  I have done my time on the front lines of the social scenes, bar hoping and partying hard.  There were plenty of good times and lots of great memories with friends.  One of my favorite trips I have ever taken was to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of my best friends.  That's right, OCMD baby, party central.  You can ride the bus all day for $2 and the buses run past last call.  We pre-gamed at our hotel, than drank and had a good time at various bars until we took the drunk bus back to the hotel at 2am for the after party.  I am pretty sure I streaked around the hotel during that trip at one point.  Actually I think there was a video of this very act, Marlene would remember.  Sleeping off the hangover on the beach the next day before starting the process all over again.  Seacrets is a fun time and they get great cover bands in there.  Awesome trip with some of my favorite humans.

Late on the night of August 22nd of 2009 I left a friends party to drive myself home.  The party had grown lame and I decided to go home to my own bed, or more likely some more booze and my own music.  I didn't make it all the way home.  I was blacked out drunk at this time and do not remember any of this, but I missed a slight turn in the road, took out a few mailboxes and in trying to swerve back on the road I hit the end of a guardrail.  This flipped my car, which actually had the roof torn off by a tree in the process and my poor Civic landed upside down and slid 100 feet into some brush.  My stupid fucking drunk ass crashed my car and almost killed myself that night.  Worse yet, I could have hurt or killed other people that night had I hit another vehicle instead of a tree.  I crawled out of the car, panicked and ran the mile and a half home bleeding profusely from my head and severely cut arm.  My seat belt saved my life, and my instinctive reaction of shielding my face with my arm saved me from permanent scarring on my face.  I am probably lucky I didn't pass out on the way home and bleed to death.  But I am lucky most of all that my stupid actions did not hurt anyone else that night.

So my typical Saturday night no longer involves a night at the bar.  I haven't had a drink of alcohol in over nine months at this point.  I spent a few months at a treatment facility because what caused me to crash that night was night the drinks I drank at that party. I drank heavily and partied hard for reasons that I didn't even fully understand.  There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, and there were a lot of skeletons hanging in my closet that I had never addressed.  This stuff was poisoning my soul, and it was stunting my growth as a man.  I found myself caught up in this almost frat boy type existence where the most important thing was always the next party.  Where I celebrated, or took the edge off with a drink.  I mourned the loss of a friend, the end of a relationship, the death of my grandfather, with booze.  I wasn't an alcoholic in the sense that I needed it to function, I didn't drink daily, all the excuses you could imagine.  Drinking was extremely self destructive for me, and the night of August 22nd it had progressed to the point that it nearly took my life.

Tonight I spent some time with my mother who is a wonderful woman.  I listened to some music and drank some tea and was perfectly content with just relaxing.  Later on I will get in a good workout on my new weight bench.  I work out on a regular basis, I bike to work a few times a week, I am training for half marathon next year.  Physical fitness is something I have always enjoyed but never let it settle into my normal routine.  Exercise is important for overall mental health, and these days I am feeling stronger than ever before both mentally and physically.  My job is important to me now, it always was but I never treated it like it was. The leadership capability I have always possessed is coming out and I am not sabotaging it with a poor attitude.  Life feels good.

There is a part of me that would really enjoy going out and spending some time with friends, enjoy a good band, eat some wings but I do not have any desire to drink.  One day that may change but for now there is no desire and I am ok

So that's what I am feeling tonight.  I have been meaning to put something like this down on paper, or type, for quite a while and tonight I finally had the right inspiration.  I do not talk about that accident much, and some reading this may not have ever known the details but it is an important and constant reminder for me.  Helps keep me from feeling sorry from myself, helps remind me of where I am coming from, and keeps me on the path to where I am going.  I feel like I was crawling through life, but baby I was born to run!

There is an Incubus song I love that has these lines in it:

"My past is perilous, but each scar I bear sings,
monuments to where I have been,
and melodies to where I am going."

I think that says it all.