Perspective

I am off today and it feels great just to hang around the house for the morning with my dog.  Long weekend at work but it was very productive.  Today I have spent most of the morning with my ear buds in, doing some chores around the house and putting in some serious bonding time with Reno.  Music is one of the things in life I would have a hard time going without.  Right along with Food, Water and the Yankees. Mad, Sad, Happy, Glad, there is a song for every mood and my iPod has been with me for all of them.  Lately I have been into putting together playlists to listen to rather than just putting on an album or shuffling through the whole catalog.

One of the only things I hate about fall is the falling leaves.  They look great when they change color, but when they die and fall off the tree they create such a monotonous maintenance problem.  Cleaning them up blows, its as simple as that.  Leaves have this wonderful knack for clogging up the gutters which inevitably leads to me climbing on the roof to clear them out a couple times each fall.  It is one of those tasks that really isn't a big deal, and it doesn't even take that long, but you still find yourself irritated by it and complaining to yourself about it as you get out the ladder.

Every time I am up there I always take a moment to look around.  Taking in the view of the yard and the neighborhood around me.  Looking out past the back yard I can see off towards Wind Gap beyond.  Things look exactly the same, and yet different from the roof top.  It always strikes me how changing your perspective can change the very way that you view things.  Of course in a literal sense this is simple logic, but if you apply this same concept to your interactions with people in your life it can be a valuable tool. This is nothing new by any means, but how often do we actually do this?  I find myself that it is much easier to get angry than it is to take a moment to analyze why someone is doing whatever it is they might be doing.  There are definitely times when people are just being an idiot, but for those times that they are not isn't it worth taking that moment to put yourself in there shoes before you draw any conclusions?

A serious conflict occurs: Jumping to conclusions and stubbornly standing by them has been something I have done all too often in the past.  Drawing a line in the sand and than building a wall to block out anything contradictory to the judgment I have passed.  The most severe instances have always involved matters of the heart, because these are the situations where I feel the most vulnerable.  I have done it with my mother, there have been moments with close friends, girl friends, the people closest to me.  Once that wall is up there are really only two ways things can go. Either that relationship never recovers and is effectively ended, or after a long period of time there is that moment of reconciliation where someone finally gives in. 

So much time wasted.  And generally it could all be averted by simply taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different angle, a new perspective. 

Bouncing Back

I woke up this morning before my alarm clock went off, not exactly out of the ordinary.  But rather than roll over and relax in bed until the inevitable wake up call, I got right out of bed and went right into my morning routine.  As I went through the motions of brushing my teeth, taking a quick shower, toasting my bagel, my mind was bouncing around from thought to thought.  I packed up my backpack with a change of clothes and all the other items I bring each day and hopped on my bike for the journey to work.  I was three miles into the trip before I knew it.  I had ear buds in but I wasn't really listening to the music.  Completely distracted.  This kind of thing has been happening to me a lot over the past few weeks.

It was nice out this morning, the air was crisp but not cold and the sun was bright and shining down.  I felt like taking a random turn and letting the road take me wherever it led. No work, no people to deal with, no tasks to be delegated, plans to be made, just me and my bike.  And my thoughts. It is the perfect situation for this kind of thinking, when your on a long bike ride or out hiking a mountain trail.  There is something about being outside with all that open space around you and the fresh air filling your lungs.  Just following the trail, pedaling or walking along without having to worry about where you are or what you are doing.  Its easy in these moments to let your thoughts consume you.

I made it to work, and navigated through the work day productively enough, but that feeling of being on auto pilot persisted.  I was thinking of other things all day.  I ended up leaving early so that I could get back out on the road, back in the saddle, back in "the zone."  It was a beautiful day and I wanted to enjoy it, but more importantly I wanted to try and make sense out of why I have been so distracted, so restless, so out of synch.

I have noticed that lately I have been getting increasingly lazy the past month or two.  My workout routine that I had been so religiously following all summer had completely come to a stop.  I wasn't biking as much.  I had started running in preparation for a half marathon or tough mudder next spring and that had derailed already as well.  I was coming home from work most days and just lounging on the coach.  I was basically turning into a lazy sack of shit.  No motivation.

Getting my license back that is currently suspended is one thing that has been troubling me.  A few weeks ago I went and got my new Photo ID card, and just going to PennDOT brought that all fresh to my mind.  I am hoping that I can get it back in the next 8 months or so, but there are circumstances that could prevent me from getting it for several years beyond that time.  Not being able to drive is a very humbling experience, and I have been blessed with a mother who has been very supportive and helps me out a lot with rides.  I also have some great friends who help me regularly as well.  So obviously this is a pretty big issue for me.

Living at home has been a huge help for me, I have been able to save a load of money.  I have bills that I will be paying off by the summer that would have taken me years otherwise.  That being said, I am preparing myself for a move hopefully in the spring.  And that move is something I have to figure out as well.  Stay in the LV or relocate?

26 years old and living at home, what a bum right?  No license, how pathetic.  I bet he sits down to pee and likes the Red Sox too....

I was in a rut.

Than I decided to stop being such a punk and get over it.  Stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my lazy ass.  This kind of self defeating thought process is unacceptable to me.  I am far too confident in myself to give in to such negativity.

The workouts are back on track and I feel great.  Its ridiculous how important physical fitness is to your overall mental health, and my fitness level is through the roof right now.  The biking is back on track, back in the saddle!  The running will come, that Tough Mudder in April isnt going to run itself.  Work was beginning to frustrate me, but I refuse to back down from the challenge and have picked it up a notch.  I have a lot of leadership ability and its time to put it on display again. 

Born again hard.

And I am not giving up on her, but that is another story for another time.

Monuments and Melodies

 I just finished up a fairly productive afternoon.  I made the reservation for the camping/hiking/biking trip I am taking to Jim Thorpe in a month.  A long weekend of biking and hiking that I have been looking forward to all summer.  Finished up my first assignment in my online History Class, sent an email to the artist who did my tattoo to see about an appointment for my next one and caught up on some chores around the house like laundry and that pile of dishes in the sink.  My love of Pandora radio grows with each passing week.  It makes it easy to forget about the anniversary I just observed yesterday....

Last night around 1045-1100 was exactly two years to the day of the accident that almost cost me my life.  I blacked out after excessively drinking at my friends house, climbed into my car and attempted to drive home.  One minute I'm sitting at a table doing shots with my friends, the next I am running down the road bleeding and confused, scared, determined to make it home. 

I have saved this picture because along with the scar on my arm it is a reminder of what I allowed to happen.  The irresponsible behavior which put me in that position.  My disregard for my own well being, that devil may care attitude which almost took my life or someone else's.  The self destructiveness that almost destroyed me.  All of these things and more.

Two years later, I can look at this picture and I know that all those things were destroyed just like my car that night.  It took a while for me to realized that.  One of the things that I always struggled with was talking about things that bothered me.  To almost anyone.  My closest friends, girlfriends, my family, I tried to keep everything to myself and just deal with it, or bury it deep and move on as if it wasn't an issue at all.  But those demons always get to you in the end.  You accumulate enough skeletons in your closet and before you know it there's not enough room to hide them anymore.  This is still something I struggle with at times, but I am aware of it and I work at it.  Writing has helped a lot.  It is good for the soul to clean out the closet and clear your conscience. 

I spent some time last night with a friend of mine that I haven't seen much of in a while.  We baked brownies, drank some tea and talked for hours.  It was perfect.  She is an amazing person and probably one of the only people who ever knew about some of those demons of my past.  I had a falling out with her and didn't speak to her for almost a year and it was over something stupid and was highly influenced by the girl I was seeing at the time.  But last night we sat around talking like we always have and it felt great.  It really makes me appreciate the people that I have in my life and the importance of making sure you take care of those relationships and don't abuse them.  Never throw them away over something stupid. 

So two years removed from that fateful night, I am a much better person.  I see it in every aspect of my life now.  I have never felt stronger or more confident in myself.  As I move on with my life I will continue to build on that, striving to better myself.  But I will never get rid of this picture, and I am glad that I carry that scar on my arm to remind me of where I have come, and where I am going.

Dream On

I had one of those days on Thursday that I just wanted to break something.  I felt so much pent up frustration that I just wanted to lash out.  At that moment I felt as if I had reached a dead end.  I felt stuck, caught up in a deep rut, I felt like my life was is on pause right now and I couldn't find the play button!  I was so pissed off, mostly at myself, that I didn't know what to do.  I paced, cursed, set up my weights to workout but was too anxious to really start any kind of workout.  Finally I grabbed my headphones and iPod and just went for a walk.  It helped to cool me off and let my mind come to grasp with what was really upsetting me.  It was a nice night so the cool air made me feel a lot better.

I came to this conclusion:

The obstacles that we come across in life sometimes have the feel of a brick wall.  There is no way that I can get around this.  What am I supposed to do?  It can be a helpless feeling.  But those brick walls are not in place to prevent us from reaching our goals.  They are there to force us to prove how badly we want something.  If you want it enough you will figure out a way around the wall.  It may take time, you might have to think outside the box and often you have to work harder or do something unpleasant to get there.  That old cliche comes to mind "where there is a will, there is a way."  Cliches generally have a lot of truth behind them.  I believe in this philosophy about brick walls in life.  Do not give up on your dreams, just work harder to try and make them your reality.

If you have not done so, I highly recommend reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch.

Maybe?

Today was a well deserved day off for me after a crazy weekend at work.  Usually I would be more productive but today was truly a day of rest.  I did nothing except lounge around, surf the net, toss the ball for my dog and read.  R and R at its finest.  I found myself watching the movie "Just Friends" which was on tv earlier tonight.  I enjoy most Ryan Reynolds movies despite the common theme and type cast feel of them all.  Romantic comedies tend to be a guilty pleasure of mine.  You can hide it much better when your in a relationship and can simply blame the movie choice on your girlfriend.  But being single I have pretty much let the cat out of the bag at this point.  Notting Hill with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts is an all time favorite.  I am not embarrassed by this but I would certainly never invite "the bros" over for a movie night of "The Proposal" and "Sex and Other Drugs."  I do remember a night watching A Walk To Remember with one of my best friends and his dad.  Nothing like a Mandy Moore movie and some cold lagers for some quality male bonding time.

So back to the movie.  In a nutshell it is the story of a boy who develops an unrequieted love for his childhoold best friend.  Later in life, the all grown up little Romeo goes back and tries to win her heart after all.  Its a good movie, and true to form it has a happy hollywood style ending.  An entertaining movie to be sure.  It left me thinking "yea that shit never happens in real life" and wondering how many people have a situation they can relate to?  That old one that got away scenario.

I found myself wondering about that kind of situation. Would I have the balls to make a move of my own if it ever presented itself to me?  I have found personally that there tends to be a perceived window of opportunity in life and once we feel that window has been closed... so does our chances.   Thats the way we tend to look at things.  I know that is the case with me.  There is that moment where you say to yourself "I missed my chance" and its as if you have thrown in the towel.  Once your mindset changes its hard to go back. 

You can meet that special girl who just seems perfect... but maybe the situation is not perfect.  Maybe she already has a boyfriend or a complicated situation with an ex that makes her unavailable.  Maybe she becomes single, but you no longer are.  Maybe you have been friends so long it makes it impossible to get beyond that, the dreaded "friend zone" that the movie refers to.  Maybe that chemistry you thought you had was really only one sided. 

But what if these are all just excuses you have made up to justify the fact that you did not take that chance to find out the truth.  There may be a little of the romantic in me, but tonight that is the question that has caught my attention.  Not all the bullshit maybes.  Hollywood will always be full of fantasy and fairy tale endings, but in life we get to write our own stories.  How they end depend largely on whether we are going to write our own story or just go with the flow and hope that it ends up ok.

Maybe...

Smile, It's Not That Bad!

Its a beautiful night, and I am lounging outside on my back patio with my laptop listening to music.  My dog Reno is laying at my feet.  My constant companion when home, he refuses to be left inside while I am out here, and I can't hold that against him on a night like this.  Tonight's soundtrack is currently Muse.....

What is it that makes a person happy?  What is life all about. Here are some of the things that work for me:

Smiling truly can be contagious.  So smile even if you do not feel like it.

Read a book.  I love to read and have decided to stop making excuses and to start making more time for it.  Reading sharpens your mind, expands your vocabulary and keeps your imagination flowing. It doesn't matter how old we get, its a travesty to let your imagination become stagnant.

Be kind and courteous to everyone you come across.  Why has it become the exception rather than the rule for people to exercise simple manners?  Hold the door open.  Say "please, thank you, excuse me."  Show respect for the elderly.  Are any of these really all that difficult? 

Be humble.  A little humility goes a long way.  If you cannot put your pride aside you will miss out on a whole lot that life has to offer.

No, be more humble than that.

Make exercise an essential part of your life.  It can be as simple as walking or as hardcore as running marathons.  Physical fitness is such an important part of mental health.   Spend less time on the couch and more time out and about.  Join a gym.  Grab a buddy and walk or go for a run together. 

Family is important.  Love your family unconditionally. 

Keep an open mind.

Never give up on yourself. 

Nothing worthwhile comes easy so work hard for what you want in life.

These are some of the most important lessons I have learned in life.  At twenty six years old I still feel like my journey is just beginning but I have already come a long way.  Each experience in life teaches us something new about ourselves.  As you accumulate this knowledge you begin to develop your own set of core values.  It is important to be able to take a moral inventory of yourself from time to time.  

Take a moment now to think about your own moral inventory.  What do you want in life? What is important to you?  Are you truly happy?  Why?  Ask yourself these questions and take a look at how you are answering them.  Be honest with yourself.  Questioning yourself is not the problem, not having an answer to those questions is where the problem may lie....

It is important to take that moral inventory of yourself from time to time.  It allows us to acknowledge where we have come from and helps us to figure out where we are headed.  It may not always be clear how we are going to get there, and thats ok, but its important to have a destination in mind.  A goal that you can work towards. 

To me, in the end, we all make a decision whether to be happy or not.  And true happiness will fill you up and you will have the desire to share it.  The only way to keep that happiness is by giving it away... sharing it with those around you.  Sometimes, it can be as easy as simply smiling.....

The Story So Far

I sat down tonight to write about a book I had recently read.  Its an amazing story of resilience, survival and the strength of the human spirit. This book left me feeling inspired and I wanted to write about the effect that this book has had on me.  "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand is a must read, but I find myself unable to write about it.  I am having one of those nights where my mind is wandering from thought to thought, never lingering for more than a moment on any single one.  It is similar to those moments where you are laying in bed before sleep finally takes you.....

Throughout the past week there have been several topics I wished to explore in writing and the intent to set aside time for it was there. But each night I would come home from work and a different distraction would keep me from ever logging on, the Yankees or my regular workouts are frequent offenders.  Tonight was a scheduled off day from my exercise routine and the Yankees are destroying Oakland so that game has grown boring.  So I decided to fire up the laptop and get some writing done.  Its approaching 11 o'clock at night so hoping for a cooler atmosphere I headed out to the back porch to type away and enjoy the evening.  Perfect setting.  However this heat wave is relentless and its still 90 degrees out so I have retreated to my room downstairs in the comfortably cool basement.  And in the process my train of thought, so precarious on nights such as this, has been shot.  I find myself going back over the week I have had.  "Unbroken" has faded away and so have all those other ideas. 

Have you ever had one of those "Oh damn" moments where you realize that you have finally accomplished something?  Your finally over that girl who broke your heart.  Perhaps you finally earned the respect of a coach or admired peer.  Maybe you finally made your Dad proud.  Finally appreciating that your not in high school/college anymore.  Whatever it is, its a moment of appreciation.  Taking a look at where you are and how you have changed from where you were at point A and where you find yourself now at point B. 

I remember one of my first "Oh damn" moments was going back to visit my 5th grade teacher Mr Strauss for the first time.  I was a freshman in High School at the time and I had not been back to my elementary school since I had graduated four years earlier.  Walking in the school everything seemed so much different.... and small.  The desks, the water fountain, the kids running around the halls. It seemed like I had come so far.

There have been many other times.  They often occur when visiting places from your past.  For me I have been feeling it at work lately.  When I first started I didn't care about my job at all, it was just something to hold me over until I could find something better.  I was kind of an asshole, loud and obnoxious.  I was lazy and unproductive a lot of the time.  My first year I almost quit twice and nearly got fired at one point.  Now I am a leader, trying to get the most out of those around me.  Doing my best to encourage and motivate everyone around me.  A drastic change from my begining five years ago. 

I am surrounded by little reminders of my past and measurements of my progression in life.  On my desk across the room from me is my original name badge from Sam's Club.  Hanging next to it are my dog tags from when I was in the Marines and my grandfathers tags he wore in the Army during World War Two.  A collage of photos hangs in a corner spanning the past ten years of my life.  A collection of books I have been accumulating my whole lifee fills a case in the corner.  All sorts of memorabilia of my life fill this room but these are just little monuments to the past. 

Those little "Oh damn" moments of revelation are more like the ending of a chapter in the ongoing story of my life.  Life is unpredictable.  I sat down to write this blog entry tonight on a great book I read, and ended up talking about Mr Strauss and my book case.  The story of my life has been just as unpredictable at times, but its been a great one so far. One more chapter has come to an end this past week but I am excited for the begining of the next.  

Remembering With a Smile

Today was a beautiful day.  This morning after waking up, I took my dog Reno out for a quick bathroom break and ended up spending fifteen minutes out there with him just enjoying the morning.  Deep blue skies with a few streaks of white cloud.  The temperature was perfect, the sun felt warm and inviting.  We watched a squirrel go about collecting his breakfast and listened to the birds.  Reno was disappointed I didn't let him devour the little rodent but quickly forgave me when I broke out the tennis balls.  Taking some time to enjoy such a perfect morning is something I have learned to love in recent months. 

After work today I hopped on my Trek and started my bike ride home.  I was a little irritated when I was leaving because I had misplaced my headphones somehow on my way out the door.  I have gotten used to listening to music when I ride and was at first upset that I would not have any tunes to keep my company on my trip.  It turned out to be a nice change of pace.  It is a different experience to be completely aware of your surroundings as you bike, all the sights and sounds as you pedal along.  The afternoon was just as wonderful as the morning had been.  A little over halfway home I crested a hill and slowed my pace to enjoy the view.  This was just outside Nazareth and I was looking across the fields and trees across the Valley towards Bethlehem.  I was in a good mood and felt at peace with the world around me, I could feel a sense of joy fill me.  In this moment I was reminded of a co-worker and friend of mine who recently passed away. 

Ed Juris will be missed by many.  He was a very kind man and one of the most decent human beings I have ever come across.  I spent many of my breaks with Ed in his little office in the back of the club, talking and laughing, making fun of some of the ridiculous items that members would return.  I can remember grills that were "never used" with grime caked all over the inside or mattresses returned with urine stains.  He was a charter member of the "lunch club" as I called it.  You could just about set your watch by the 12 oclock lunch break that the crew would gather for.... a table full of gossip, reality tv talk and friendly banter.  I was never a fan of Dancing with the Stars but I would try and at least know a couple people that were on each season so I could join in the conversation!  All the ladies.... and Ed.  It was always a great time, and I used to look forward to shifts where my lunch would allow me to be a part of it.  He was loved by all who knew him.  As sad as it is that he is gone, I remember these good times, Ed's laugh and quick wit and I smile in spite of myself. 

Ed may have lost his battle, but he will live on in our memories forever.  Keep smiling Ed, and may you rest in peace my friend. 

Resilient

This is Alkaline Trio's "Clavicle" off their new album Damnesia due out next week.  This is a collection of songs from their previous albums done in a new acoustic style.  If you like Alkaline than check this out.  I downloaded the leak today and it is solid from start to finish.  It is playing for the second time today as I type....

A week or two ago I found myself at home working out on a Saturday night.  It was a great workout and I was really loving the music that was playing and the post workout high was in full effect.  Right at that moment a friend of mine texted me about an inside joke we have had for a couple years now.  I was laughing as we exchanged a few texts and than he said something that kinda took me by surprise... something along the lines of I can't wait to go out and party with you.  I sent back an almost automatic response along the lines of "me too bro" but I sat staring at my phone for a minute after it was sent.  There was so much more that needed to go along with that message.  So much that was left unsaid. I slumped down on the couch and just listened to my music and my mind went into overdrive....

I used to drink.  A lot.  I was a regular out at the bar.  A great night out generally consisted of me getting very intoxicated.  I was the guy that would show up to watch the Giants, and drink a couple six packs during the course of the game.  What better way to celebrate a birthday than out at the club drinking.  There's nothing to do tonight, so lets go to the bar.  Bad day at work?  Blow off some steam with a few drinks.  My friend was one of the little band of brothers I would go out with on a regular basis.  I had some bad luck, made some very stupid decisions and was very irresponsible which led to me getting multiple DUIs and almost killing myself in a car accident all linked to my drinking. There is a long and pathetic list of ramifications for me from my abuse of alcohol.

But that was then.

I have not had a drink since September 14th of last year.  I have been through the ringer, but I have proven to be very resilient.  That is a word I love, Resilient.  Asked to describe myself in one word that would be the answer given.  I have made a lot of changes in my life over the course of the past year.   I made a conscious decision at one point to remain positive, to keep a good attitude and continue to keep doing the next right thing.  No matter what the situation is.  My lifestyle is different now than it was a year ago, and its all for the better.  I am no longer cocky and arrogant.  I am extremely self confident but I have a humility now that keeps me grounded.  I feel stronger now than ever before in my life. 

And this is now.

That resolve is going to be challenged though, and it will often come unexpectedly.  Most people still know me and remember me as the guy I was a year ago.  Who loved to go out and have a good time, he drank hard and partied harder.  Always a good time.... But that is no longer me.  What I have been through and the changes I have made are not something I can honestly expect most people to understand.  The man I am today is one who doesn't drink, and is never going to be that ridiculous drunk.  I may never drink again, and I am OK with that. 

This little exchange with my friend won't be the last time that I have to confront someone with this reality.  That knowledge bothered me for a while. I had a really good conversation with a close friend of mine about this very topic, and exchanged emails with another.  What bothered me is the thought of "will I lose some of my closest friends over this?"  Will things ever be the same again?  Well I was given a very good piece of advice that answers this little dilemma for me.  I am not the same person that I was a year ago, and so I cannot expect my relationships with people to be the same.  They will evolve the same way my life has.  And if someone cannot accept that, than they will be left behind.  It is always hardest to address issues like these with those closest to you, but I am no longer worried by that.  My resolve is deep.  I have faith that my friends will be able to make that adjustment, but I am ready if they cannot.  I will continue to be resilient. 

Moment of Truth

This afternoon Kid came over to my place for our heavy chest workout of the week.  First time we have lifted together and it was amazing.  We always text one another about and during our workouts but to have him here in the flesh was a huge boost.  I set new personal bests in almost every exercise.  My bench is up to 170 as I push towards my goal of 225 by summers end.  This was a perfect day off from work, I am completely satisfied with myself after a great workout and I know it was just as good for Kid.  The pure workout.... so good.

It was a welcome break from work after five tough days.  There was a big promotion going on from the 30th until the 4th and the company has some very high expectations for productivity.  The prep work to get everyone ready for this event was going on for two weeks before it started, and everyone was pretty excited for the results.  The July 4th weekend is a very busy weekend in general with the kind of traffic that we expect every year and to have this event going on it raised the intensity level. 

Needless to say, work was swamped the past few days.  On top of it we had quite a few call outs to add fuel to the fire.  The pressure was on from our General Manager to reach our daily productivity goals and despite a good effort from the team we were falling short.  Saturday morning I opened which involves the front end area of the store ready for the day, counting registers, getting all the paperwork filled out and logged, making sure the supplies are well stocked.  I managed to get it all done but we were hit by early morning crowds and a couple of cashier call offs for good measure.  I was confident that we were all doing our best and working hard despite the heavy workload, but we still only had one Plus membership at noon to show for it and our goal was 30 for the day. 

The GM pulled me to the side to ask what our current number was.  Now I am a no bullshit kind of guy for the most part, especially at work, I hate excuses and rarely offer any.  So rather than make excuses I tried to be confident and positive and let the him know that we just needed to get a roll going, we needed to get a little motivation started, we could still have a good day.  His response was very negative to me.  Frustrated or not his negative attitude instantly pissed me off.  I walked off and soon after went on my lunch break.

Now I am pretty upset but trying to shake it off.  In my head I am feeling unappreciated, insulted even, and completely unmotivated.  "I have been busting my ass for the past four days and this guy is gonna question that?"  The "fuck it" attitude was pretty intense in that moment.  I honestly felt like giving up, just shutting it down and riding out the rest of my shift as easily as possible and than getting the hell out of that place until Monday.  This is the moment where it was decision time.... that little moment of truth.  And it was an ugly moment there.  I could give in to the fuck it attitude or I could rise above.  My break gave me the perfect moment to just take a step back and re-evaluate things.  I chose to rise above.  I sat in the break room and just put it behind me.  I laughed and joked with a couple of my co-workers, listened to a couple songs in my iPhone and bounced back.  I kicked it into overdrive for the rest of my shift. 

A couple things helped me through this, the positive people around me and my ability to recognize that I was being a punk and making that conscious decision to turn it around.  When I left at 330 I think we had 10 of those "oh so important" Plus memberships and things were looking up.  I didn't let that one moment ruin my day and take me off my A game.  It was a tough day but I am pleased with the way everyone worked hard despite the slow start.  To me it was a good day.

I think that in life we are presented with those little moments of truth on a regular basis.  How we respond can often dictate the way our day will go or even the result of a job or task at hand.  It is important to stay positive, and have the ability to keep yourself from giving in and surrendering to the negative.  If you can do that consistently you will be surprised at how much better you will feel about your life in general.  I strive to stay positive each and every day and to stand tall during those moments.  Life is in the details, so live it strong!

Strength

I am going to be embarking on my bike ride to work in a few moments.  It seems a little humid out, but not too terrible.  This should be a good ride. 

I bought my Trek mountain bike a few years ago and I never really got into riding it that much until I started taking it off road.  There is an awesome trail network for bikes in Jacobsburg State Park in Wind Gap.  Something like 30 miles of trail all together.  Lots of rocks, some rough terrain, even a couple stream crossings that make the rides there amazing.  I have always been fond of spending time out in the woods so this was the perfect biking experience for me. 

Once my license was suspended, I began biking to work regularly, but I always hated it.  The long hills would really kick my ass, if it was raining I was bound to skip the ride and just drive anyway.  Eventually I just drove all the time anyway and the bike was once again reserved for trail riding only.  Well once my car was out of commission for good, and I have know taken the suspension seriously, I bike on a regular basis to work.  Only now I enjoy the rides.  On some days I push myself to a fast pace and try and beat my record time.  Other days are more leisurely but I have it down to a solid 40 minutes even on an easy ride.

The hills that used to kick my ass, I now breeze through.  Its still rough but I never struggle through them.  The biggest difference, besides my new dedication to biking, is my attitude.  When I get to a hill, I welcome the challenge, I tell myself "here we go, bet I can finish it before this song ends."  In the past I would dread the hills, tell my self something along the lines of "this blows, fuck my life" and big surprise, it was much harder biking.  Having that determination that you cannot be stopped, that you will overcome and obstacle in your path is such an important tool to have in life.  That is the kind of mental toughness that you hear athletes talk about.  Strength is not just physical.  Determination, Drive, Resilience, Courage, Loyalty, these are all strengths of character that have nothing to do with your physical attributes, and in the end they mean so much more than how many reps or how much weight you can press.  This is how I measure strength now... And I am feeling stronger than ever.  How about you?

The Point

"Lazy Eye" by the Silversun Pickups is just a great song and I love it.  I have been listening to them a lot the past couple of days and this song is the one I fell asleep listening to last night.  Great tune and good background music for today's blog.

I woke up this morning and after my normal routine found myself with a cup of tea sitting in the sun room enjoying the view.  Looking out the windows you see my back yard giving way into a shallow valley (which is a former cornfield but is now being turned into a housing development) and some distant and wooded ridges beyond that.  This view points north so the rising sun shines across the valley from right to left.  It is such a peaceful sight with squirrels and chipmunks going about the business of collecting food, birds singing in the trees, that soft early morning glow.  You can almost feel the world coming to life today.  And it also reminds me of one of my favorite spots: Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.

I have always had a passion for American History, especially the period between the Mexican War and The turn of the century in the 1800s.  A lot of people may not know this about me but  I was once a very active civil war re-enactor.  I recently described myself as a "closet history nerd" to someone that wasn't familiar with this side of me.  I have a two very good friends who do this with me and our little trio has traveled all over to attend re-enactments and volunteer our services at historical sites for interpretation.  Our highlights include Gettysburg, PA, Antietam, MD and Bentonville, NC.   Most re-enactors enjoy the large scale re-enactments of famous battles, but I have always preferred doing the interpretive work at historical sites.  We call this "living history" in the hobby.  Teaching people about the civil war, everything from the way the soldiers fought and lived to the equipment they wore and the food they ate.  My favorite was working with schools.  After doing a program for a couple of 4th and 5th grade classes I decided my career path would be in Education.  I have since changed my mind but that is still something I have a keen interest in.  At any rate, let me stay on topic here and get to my point... of all the places I have been my favorite is Harpers Ferry, WV.

Harpers Ferry is a lovely little town tucked into the corner of West Virginia. It was the site of John Brown's raid in 1859 and was the location of an armory for the US Army before the war.  Harpers Ferry saw the largest surrender of US troops during the war and changed hands between north and south eight times.  It is a national historic site and the Park Service has done an excellent job of restoring a large part of the town.  The entire downtown area by the river is restored to what it would have looked like in 1862.  It is an impressive site when you walk down the street, it literally takes you back in time.  The workers are all dressed in period attire and run the shops and offices just as they would have in the 1860's.  When we volunteer down there we set up a military camp and we become the provost marshals (military police) for the town.  It is a lot of fun.  We ask visitors for their pass, look for Confederate sympathizers and tell people about what it was like to be a soldier in the Federal Army during the civil war.

Waking up on a Saturday or Sunday morning in Harpers Ferry dressed in period attire is a unique experience.  Walking down the street early in the morning and seeing no cars or hints of the modern world is amazing.  The town is located at the point where the Potomac River merges with the Shenandoah River so you can literally walk to "The Point" where the rivers meet and it is a beautiful place.  The river is rocky at this point and there are railroad bridges crossing it off to your left and the trestles where one once crossed it off to your right.  to your left across the Potomac is Maryland Heights towering above you and to your right across the Shenandoah is Virginia with Loudoun Heights.  The Shenandoah flows into the larger Potomac in front and runs off into the distance, eventually passing into the Atlantic many miles away.  I walk to this place every morning when in Harpers and I sit in peace and soak up the wonder of this picturesque landscape. 

Downriver from The Point.

This aerial view gives a basic idea of what I'm talking about.

These pictures do it no justice, but its the best I could find on the web.  You really need to go see it for yourself.  This is what I was thinking about this morning while I enjoyed my breakfast.  Another place I can slip away to in my mind and feel peace.  The Point.

Shooting Star

There are few things more enjoyable for me these days than the feeling I get after a great workout.  I have been working with a close friend of mine (who I shall refer to by his newly coined nickname "Kid") for the past month or so.  We don't workout together but we constantly send each other game plans for new routines, exercises, motivation and talk over what we have done and are planning.  It is just as valuable as having him there spotting for me.  Kid is a good dude, and he helps motivate me on a daily basis and not just when it comes to my workouts.  We recently discussed the difference between exercising out of anger or frustration and the negative impact it can have on your results.  Pushing yourself recklessly through a workout using your anger or frustration as fuel can cause you to hurt yourself.  Getting in that "pure" workout where you can free your mind and just let the music carry you through the routine is so much more beneficial.  When you are finished you feel so much more positive, you can find that you have actually pushed yourself to do more reps with more weight and set your own personal records higher.  It is a great feeling.  Anger is negative and you can't let that kind of negative energy control you.  A positive attitude will take you so much farther in a workout and in life in general. 

This song I have posted "Tears Don't Fall" has been the last song I listen to the past few nights as I am finishing up my workouts.  I have a pretty great mix of songs that I listen to throughout but this has been the perfect song to end with.  A great "moto" song for me, it helps carry me through my last burnout set.  Tonight I found myself jumping around and dancing and singing along to the words afterward because I was so jacked up after the workout.  Its a great feeling to push yourself through a good workout, or a long run or bike ride.  There is a powerful feeling of achievement you get when you finish a run a little bit faster, or you do a little bit extra weight in that last set, or you bike just a little bit farther than the last time.  Its almost a high, better than any drunk I have ever had.  The feeling is as strong as sex with a good partner that leaves you both satisfied in the end.  I love it, can't get enough.

This actually reminds me of a little story.  I was in the Marine Corps for a few years.  In Marine Corps basic training your last big test comes in the form of an intensive 72 hour circuit of training known as "The Crucible."  You barely sleep, march everywhere with your rifle and full gear and pack.  Obstacle courses, combat courses, live fire scenarios, tests on martial arts and first aid, all kinds of fun but physically and mentally taxing events.  They wake you up in the middle of the night, rush you into your gear and out of the barracks and you embark on a combat march of 20 miles to start it off.  They keep a fast pace and you skip breakfast with little sleep so its a pretty brutal start.  As we were finishing up this march and were entering the training ground that the Crucible is held on I witnessed something I will never forget.  I was at the moment just before catching your second wind, where I just hate life... I'm tired and hungry, my legs are burning, the pack and rifle feel like they weigh a billion fucking pounds, the goddamn sand fleas are biting my neck, the asshole in front of me smells and keeps clipping me with his rifle butt, I am ready to give up.  The column is stretching out in front of me into the night and we are walking out onto a long tarmac.  There is a clear night sky above us, with stars twinkling and a mostly full moon, but I couldn't care less at this point.  Than I saw a shooting star streak across the sky above me.  In that quick moment, a split second of time, my entire attitude changed.  A little spring came back into me step and I could feel that shit eating grin come over my face. The march was soon over and we had a short break and a cold MRE breakfast and our Crucible was Oscar Mike.  It was all downhill for me the moment I saw that shooting star.  I will never forget the strength that filled me in that moment, and sustained me throughout that night. 

This is one of those moments I use to help me through tough times.  When the bike ride is starting to kick my ass or I am having a really shitty day at work or whatever the situation may be, I always have my shooting star to get me through.  My determination and drive to not only succeed but to excel in life is the shooting star that guides me each and every day. 

Ain't No Easy Way

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is one of my favorite bands.  I saw them play at the 9:30 Club in Washington D.C. a few years ago and they blew my mind.  They rocked through an hour and a half set and than came out for a 40 minute encore.  The set list spanned all of their albums and even featured a couple of acoustic songs in the middle.  Easily one of the best live performances I have ever witnessed.  They brought this "in your face" intensity to the stage and left me wanting more when I left that night.  I went with my man Spock and it was a great all around experience.  At one point the band acknowledged a sign some crazed fan had made in the crowd that read "BRMC makes my vagina weep tears of joy."  We still joke about that to this day.

This song, "Ain't No Easy Way," is one of my favorites.  Great tune.  The chorus of the song goes "there ain't no easy way, no there ain't no easy way out."  When I listen to this song today it makes me think about my past relationships and how there truly has been no easy way out of any of them.  Is there an easy way to end a relationship?  Certainly not if it was a serious relationship with any real feelings involved.  Getting over a failed relationship can be quite the obstacle.  I recently went through one of my own, and have helped a close friend go through one of his own.  

The details are not important, but the end result was one that I am sure everyone can relate too.  I was left with unanswered questions, feelings of resentment, sadness, and a sense of betrayal.  Sound familiar?  I struggled with trying to deal with all these emotions, and in true ultra masculine fashion, attempting to mask all my emotion from the outside world.  Bottling everything up and hiding it away is something I used to do very well.  One more skeleton hanging in the closet with all the others.  

But in the end this is just self pitying bull-shit!  And it doesn't really come down to getting over it, its more about letting go.  Instead of clinging to those lost feelings of intimacy, companionship, love, friendship, whatever you want to fill this blank in with, there comes a point when you need to just let go and move on. Its not an easy step to make, and it takes a certain amount of mental and emotional toughness to take that step, but its essential in getting on with your life.  The best tool I have found in dealing with this is having the ability to detach yourself from the situation and take an honest look at it in its entirety.  No second guessing, excuses, denial, sugar coating, or any other self defeating thoughts.  Put everything in its proper perspective, keep yourself honest, and just let it go.  

The woman that left me did me a favor.  In the end all she was doing was holding me back, and helping to enable the immature and irresponsible Mike to run wild.  I have experienced a lot of growth over the past six months, more so than in the past ten years of my life, and there was no room for her anymore in my life.  It was a tough time getting over it, I'm not gonna lie.  I had a rough few months, but part of my problem was in that very mindset.  Because for me, its not about getting over it, its about letting go.

Now I shall leave you all with another badass BRMC song.  Enjoy.

Born to Run

Sad news today.  Clarence Clemons, long time member of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band, passed away due to complications from a stroke he recently suffered.  Clemons and his saxophone were a staple of the band from 1972 until today.  My mom is a huge fan and was near tears when I broke the news to her.  So in honor of "the big man" as Bruce so affectionately called him, the song for today's blog is "Born to Run."  One of my favorite Springsteen songs, note the killer solo Clemons has around 2:12.

So this evening I have spent mostly enjoying some soothing music and drinking tea.  An odd choice on a hot day but the combination of this Tazo focus tea and Pandora radio's Mumford and Sons station is a killer combination to kick back and relax.  I realize this is not a very exciting Saturday evening, but I also don't give a shit.  I have done my time on the front lines of the social scenes, bar hoping and partying hard.  There were plenty of good times and lots of great memories with friends.  One of my favorite trips I have ever taken was to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of my best friends.  That's right, OCMD baby, party central.  You can ride the bus all day for $2 and the buses run past last call.  We pre-gamed at our hotel, than drank and had a good time at various bars until we took the drunk bus back to the hotel at 2am for the after party.  I am pretty sure I streaked around the hotel during that trip at one point.  Actually I think there was a video of this very act, Marlene would remember.  Sleeping off the hangover on the beach the next day before starting the process all over again.  Seacrets is a fun time and they get great cover bands in there.  Awesome trip with some of my favorite humans.

Late on the night of August 22nd of 2009 I left a friends party to drive myself home.  The party had grown lame and I decided to go home to my own bed, or more likely some more booze and my own music.  I didn't make it all the way home.  I was blacked out drunk at this time and do not remember any of this, but I missed a slight turn in the road, took out a few mailboxes and in trying to swerve back on the road I hit the end of a guardrail.  This flipped my car, which actually had the roof torn off by a tree in the process and my poor Civic landed upside down and slid 100 feet into some brush.  My stupid fucking drunk ass crashed my car and almost killed myself that night.  Worse yet, I could have hurt or killed other people that night had I hit another vehicle instead of a tree.  I crawled out of the car, panicked and ran the mile and a half home bleeding profusely from my head and severely cut arm.  My seat belt saved my life, and my instinctive reaction of shielding my face with my arm saved me from permanent scarring on my face.  I am probably lucky I didn't pass out on the way home and bleed to death.  But I am lucky most of all that my stupid actions did not hurt anyone else that night.

So my typical Saturday night no longer involves a night at the bar.  I haven't had a drink of alcohol in over nine months at this point.  I spent a few months at a treatment facility because what caused me to crash that night was night the drinks I drank at that party. I drank heavily and partied hard for reasons that I didn't even fully understand.  There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, and there were a lot of skeletons hanging in my closet that I had never addressed.  This stuff was poisoning my soul, and it was stunting my growth as a man.  I found myself caught up in this almost frat boy type existence where the most important thing was always the next party.  Where I celebrated, or took the edge off with a drink.  I mourned the loss of a friend, the end of a relationship, the death of my grandfather, with booze.  I wasn't an alcoholic in the sense that I needed it to function, I didn't drink daily, all the excuses you could imagine.  Drinking was extremely self destructive for me, and the night of August 22nd it had progressed to the point that it nearly took my life.

Tonight I spent some time with my mother who is a wonderful woman.  I listened to some music and drank some tea and was perfectly content with just relaxing.  Later on I will get in a good workout on my new weight bench.  I work out on a regular basis, I bike to work a few times a week, I am training for half marathon next year.  Physical fitness is something I have always enjoyed but never let it settle into my normal routine.  Exercise is important for overall mental health, and these days I am feeling stronger than ever before both mentally and physically.  My job is important to me now, it always was but I never treated it like it was. The leadership capability I have always possessed is coming out and I am not sabotaging it with a poor attitude.  Life feels good.

There is a part of me that would really enjoy going out and spending some time with friends, enjoy a good band, eat some wings but I do not have any desire to drink.  One day that may change but for now there is no desire and I am ok

So that's what I am feeling tonight.  I have been meaning to put something like this down on paper, or type, for quite a while and tonight I finally had the right inspiration.  I do not talk about that accident much, and some reading this may not have ever known the details but it is an important and constant reminder for me.  Helps keep me from feeling sorry from myself, helps remind me of where I am coming from, and keeps me on the path to where I am going.  I feel like I was crawling through life, but baby I was born to run!

There is an Incubus song I love that has these lines in it:

"My past is perilous, but each scar I bear sings,
monuments to where I have been,
and melodies to where I am going."

I think that says it all.

There Will Be An Answer

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me.  Shine until the morning, let it be."

This is one of my favorite verse in a song that I have ever heard.  Paul McCartney wrote this song after having a dream about his mother.  She died from cancer when Paul was only 14 years old.  He later said "It was great to visit with her again.  I was very blessed to have that dream." Let It Be is a song that always makes me think of my grandfather and inspires me to be stronger, try harder, stay honest and all with a smile on my face. Just like he did his entire life.

My grandfather passed away seven years ago this month and he is still a powerful influence on his family.  My grandmother, his loving wife for 55 years, still has tough days. On holidays that we are together she says grace before the meal in the same way that he always did, with a tear in her eye.  I still miss him, but I try and remember him with a smile, or laugh at a joke that he once told me.  My grandfather was a funny man and he could always make a joke or tell a funny story that would lighten the mood, even at the most tense of moments.  When my sisters and I were young he would always joke with us about seeing pink elephants everywhere.  There was a full bar in my grandparents house downstairs and we used to sit at the stools and laugh at his stories while he would make us Shirley Temples... extra cherries for me. 

But he was also a very hardworking man.  He served our country in the Army during the end of World War 2 and was stationed in Germany during the Berlin Air Lift.  He told me stories about riding his motorcycle around the countryside over there and a night that he broke into one of Hitler's mansions with a buddy and took his own tour of the place.  Stole a piece of marble from a fireplace on the way out.  He worked hard and supported his family while going to night school.  It took him a while but he earned a Bachelors Degree from Fairleigh Dickenson university.  That kind of hard work and dedication is something that I admire and strive for in my own life. 

I have a tattoo on my back in honor of my grandfather.  He was very active with the church and was a devout Catholic his entire life.  He was a 3rd Degree Knight of Columbus and was very proud of that.  The tattoo is of the shield of the Knights of Columbus in the talons of an eagle.  The center of the shield has his initials "K.N." instead of K of C for the Knights.  I would like to add to it soon with that verse from Let It Be that I am so fond of.  I think it is the perfect complement to the shield.  I have been through some tough times but I have fought through adversity and remain strong and motivated.  I have been through my cloudy night, and that light is still shining brightly on me.  Thank you for watching over me grandpa.

Focus

Tazo makes a variety of their black tea called Focus, which I had a cup of this morning and found to be delightful.  I am new to drinking tea, always been a coffee and energy drink guy for my caffeine fix.  Recently I have started drinking tea to switch it up a little.  A friend of mine gave me a new teapot and five different Tazo varieties as a birthday present.  Outstanding gift, I have enjoyed it. I tend to be lazy when it comes to breakfast.  Its not a good habit to skip breakfast but I tend to do it on a regular basis.  Tea is a quick pick me up in the morning.

Focus.  Right now I feel a focus that I have seldom had in my life.  It is intense, as if the eye doctor has finally prescribed the right strength of eye wear after years of trying in vain.  It is easy to set goals, and that is not something that was never a problem in my life.  The hard part is working towards those goals.  It takes a certain amount of hard work and dedication.  Life has a way of throwing obstacles in your path and distractions your way which can easily knock you off course.  If you let it.  In the past I was always willing to allow all sorts of bullshit to distract me.  Relationships are always good for that.  The ridiculous party lifestyle that was more important than work or school. 

Now there is a drive that was never there before.  There is a clarity now in my life that was lacking before.  Now there is a plan of action to go along with those goals, and I have a series of short term goals along the way to help me keep on track.  To keep me motivated and working towards what I really want.  The most important change that has helped me with this is my attitude in general.  I try to keep myself positive at all times.  And when I recognize that I am falling into a negative place I seek out positivity to help get me back to where I need to be.  Through a call to a friend or listening to a good album or sometimes a good hard workout or bike ride to get out frustration.  I feed off of positive energy and try to avoid the negative whenever possible.  I have great expectations of myself, and I am no longer willing to settle for anything less.  Stay the course, stay strong, stay focused....