Strength

I am going to be embarking on my bike ride to work in a few moments.  It seems a little humid out, but not too terrible.  This should be a good ride. 

I bought my Trek mountain bike a few years ago and I never really got into riding it that much until I started taking it off road.  There is an awesome trail network for bikes in Jacobsburg State Park in Wind Gap.  Something like 30 miles of trail all together.  Lots of rocks, some rough terrain, even a couple stream crossings that make the rides there amazing.  I have always been fond of spending time out in the woods so this was the perfect biking experience for me. 

Once my license was suspended, I began biking to work regularly, but I always hated it.  The long hills would really kick my ass, if it was raining I was bound to skip the ride and just drive anyway.  Eventually I just drove all the time anyway and the bike was once again reserved for trail riding only.  Well once my car was out of commission for good, and I have know taken the suspension seriously, I bike on a regular basis to work.  Only now I enjoy the rides.  On some days I push myself to a fast pace and try and beat my record time.  Other days are more leisurely but I have it down to a solid 40 minutes even on an easy ride.

The hills that used to kick my ass, I now breeze through.  Its still rough but I never struggle through them.  The biggest difference, besides my new dedication to biking, is my attitude.  When I get to a hill, I welcome the challenge, I tell myself "here we go, bet I can finish it before this song ends."  In the past I would dread the hills, tell my self something along the lines of "this blows, fuck my life" and big surprise, it was much harder biking.  Having that determination that you cannot be stopped, that you will overcome and obstacle in your path is such an important tool to have in life.  That is the kind of mental toughness that you hear athletes talk about.  Strength is not just physical.  Determination, Drive, Resilience, Courage, Loyalty, these are all strengths of character that have nothing to do with your physical attributes, and in the end they mean so much more than how many reps or how much weight you can press.  This is how I measure strength now... And I am feeling stronger than ever.  How about you?

The Point

"Lazy Eye" by the Silversun Pickups is just a great song and I love it.  I have been listening to them a lot the past couple of days and this song is the one I fell asleep listening to last night.  Great tune and good background music for today's blog.

I woke up this morning and after my normal routine found myself with a cup of tea sitting in the sun room enjoying the view.  Looking out the windows you see my back yard giving way into a shallow valley (which is a former cornfield but is now being turned into a housing development) and some distant and wooded ridges beyond that.  This view points north so the rising sun shines across the valley from right to left.  It is such a peaceful sight with squirrels and chipmunks going about the business of collecting food, birds singing in the trees, that soft early morning glow.  You can almost feel the world coming to life today.  And it also reminds me of one of my favorite spots: Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.

I have always had a passion for American History, especially the period between the Mexican War and The turn of the century in the 1800s.  A lot of people may not know this about me but  I was once a very active civil war re-enactor.  I recently described myself as a "closet history nerd" to someone that wasn't familiar with this side of me.  I have a two very good friends who do this with me and our little trio has traveled all over to attend re-enactments and volunteer our services at historical sites for interpretation.  Our highlights include Gettysburg, PA, Antietam, MD and Bentonville, NC.   Most re-enactors enjoy the large scale re-enactments of famous battles, but I have always preferred doing the interpretive work at historical sites.  We call this "living history" in the hobby.  Teaching people about the civil war, everything from the way the soldiers fought and lived to the equipment they wore and the food they ate.  My favorite was working with schools.  After doing a program for a couple of 4th and 5th grade classes I decided my career path would be in Education.  I have since changed my mind but that is still something I have a keen interest in.  At any rate, let me stay on topic here and get to my point... of all the places I have been my favorite is Harpers Ferry, WV.

Harpers Ferry is a lovely little town tucked into the corner of West Virginia. It was the site of John Brown's raid in 1859 and was the location of an armory for the US Army before the war.  Harpers Ferry saw the largest surrender of US troops during the war and changed hands between north and south eight times.  It is a national historic site and the Park Service has done an excellent job of restoring a large part of the town.  The entire downtown area by the river is restored to what it would have looked like in 1862.  It is an impressive site when you walk down the street, it literally takes you back in time.  The workers are all dressed in period attire and run the shops and offices just as they would have in the 1860's.  When we volunteer down there we set up a military camp and we become the provost marshals (military police) for the town.  It is a lot of fun.  We ask visitors for their pass, look for Confederate sympathizers and tell people about what it was like to be a soldier in the Federal Army during the civil war.

Waking up on a Saturday or Sunday morning in Harpers Ferry dressed in period attire is a unique experience.  Walking down the street early in the morning and seeing no cars or hints of the modern world is amazing.  The town is located at the point where the Potomac River merges with the Shenandoah River so you can literally walk to "The Point" where the rivers meet and it is a beautiful place.  The river is rocky at this point and there are railroad bridges crossing it off to your left and the trestles where one once crossed it off to your right.  to your left across the Potomac is Maryland Heights towering above you and to your right across the Shenandoah is Virginia with Loudoun Heights.  The Shenandoah flows into the larger Potomac in front and runs off into the distance, eventually passing into the Atlantic many miles away.  I walk to this place every morning when in Harpers and I sit in peace and soak up the wonder of this picturesque landscape. 

Downriver from The Point.

This aerial view gives a basic idea of what I'm talking about.

These pictures do it no justice, but its the best I could find on the web.  You really need to go see it for yourself.  This is what I was thinking about this morning while I enjoyed my breakfast.  Another place I can slip away to in my mind and feel peace.  The Point.

Shooting Star

There are few things more enjoyable for me these days than the feeling I get after a great workout.  I have been working with a close friend of mine (who I shall refer to by his newly coined nickname "Kid") for the past month or so.  We don't workout together but we constantly send each other game plans for new routines, exercises, motivation and talk over what we have done and are planning.  It is just as valuable as having him there spotting for me.  Kid is a good dude, and he helps motivate me on a daily basis and not just when it comes to my workouts.  We recently discussed the difference between exercising out of anger or frustration and the negative impact it can have on your results.  Pushing yourself recklessly through a workout using your anger or frustration as fuel can cause you to hurt yourself.  Getting in that "pure" workout where you can free your mind and just let the music carry you through the routine is so much more beneficial.  When you are finished you feel so much more positive, you can find that you have actually pushed yourself to do more reps with more weight and set your own personal records higher.  It is a great feeling.  Anger is negative and you can't let that kind of negative energy control you.  A positive attitude will take you so much farther in a workout and in life in general. 

This song I have posted "Tears Don't Fall" has been the last song I listen to the past few nights as I am finishing up my workouts.  I have a pretty great mix of songs that I listen to throughout but this has been the perfect song to end with.  A great "moto" song for me, it helps carry me through my last burnout set.  Tonight I found myself jumping around and dancing and singing along to the words afterward because I was so jacked up after the workout.  Its a great feeling to push yourself through a good workout, or a long run or bike ride.  There is a powerful feeling of achievement you get when you finish a run a little bit faster, or you do a little bit extra weight in that last set, or you bike just a little bit farther than the last time.  Its almost a high, better than any drunk I have ever had.  The feeling is as strong as sex with a good partner that leaves you both satisfied in the end.  I love it, can't get enough.

This actually reminds me of a little story.  I was in the Marine Corps for a few years.  In Marine Corps basic training your last big test comes in the form of an intensive 72 hour circuit of training known as "The Crucible."  You barely sleep, march everywhere with your rifle and full gear and pack.  Obstacle courses, combat courses, live fire scenarios, tests on martial arts and first aid, all kinds of fun but physically and mentally taxing events.  They wake you up in the middle of the night, rush you into your gear and out of the barracks and you embark on a combat march of 20 miles to start it off.  They keep a fast pace and you skip breakfast with little sleep so its a pretty brutal start.  As we were finishing up this march and were entering the training ground that the Crucible is held on I witnessed something I will never forget.  I was at the moment just before catching your second wind, where I just hate life... I'm tired and hungry, my legs are burning, the pack and rifle feel like they weigh a billion fucking pounds, the goddamn sand fleas are biting my neck, the asshole in front of me smells and keeps clipping me with his rifle butt, I am ready to give up.  The column is stretching out in front of me into the night and we are walking out onto a long tarmac.  There is a clear night sky above us, with stars twinkling and a mostly full moon, but I couldn't care less at this point.  Than I saw a shooting star streak across the sky above me.  In that quick moment, a split second of time, my entire attitude changed.  A little spring came back into me step and I could feel that shit eating grin come over my face. The march was soon over and we had a short break and a cold MRE breakfast and our Crucible was Oscar Mike.  It was all downhill for me the moment I saw that shooting star.  I will never forget the strength that filled me in that moment, and sustained me throughout that night. 

This is one of those moments I use to help me through tough times.  When the bike ride is starting to kick my ass or I am having a really shitty day at work or whatever the situation may be, I always have my shooting star to get me through.  My determination and drive to not only succeed but to excel in life is the shooting star that guides me each and every day. 

Ain't No Easy Way

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is one of my favorite bands.  I saw them play at the 9:30 Club in Washington D.C. a few years ago and they blew my mind.  They rocked through an hour and a half set and than came out for a 40 minute encore.  The set list spanned all of their albums and even featured a couple of acoustic songs in the middle.  Easily one of the best live performances I have ever witnessed.  They brought this "in your face" intensity to the stage and left me wanting more when I left that night.  I went with my man Spock and it was a great all around experience.  At one point the band acknowledged a sign some crazed fan had made in the crowd that read "BRMC makes my vagina weep tears of joy."  We still joke about that to this day.

This song, "Ain't No Easy Way," is one of my favorites.  Great tune.  The chorus of the song goes "there ain't no easy way, no there ain't no easy way out."  When I listen to this song today it makes me think about my past relationships and how there truly has been no easy way out of any of them.  Is there an easy way to end a relationship?  Certainly not if it was a serious relationship with any real feelings involved.  Getting over a failed relationship can be quite the obstacle.  I recently went through one of my own, and have helped a close friend go through one of his own.  

The details are not important, but the end result was one that I am sure everyone can relate too.  I was left with unanswered questions, feelings of resentment, sadness, and a sense of betrayal.  Sound familiar?  I struggled with trying to deal with all these emotions, and in true ultra masculine fashion, attempting to mask all my emotion from the outside world.  Bottling everything up and hiding it away is something I used to do very well.  One more skeleton hanging in the closet with all the others.  

But in the end this is just self pitying bull-shit!  And it doesn't really come down to getting over it, its more about letting go.  Instead of clinging to those lost feelings of intimacy, companionship, love, friendship, whatever you want to fill this blank in with, there comes a point when you need to just let go and move on. Its not an easy step to make, and it takes a certain amount of mental and emotional toughness to take that step, but its essential in getting on with your life.  The best tool I have found in dealing with this is having the ability to detach yourself from the situation and take an honest look at it in its entirety.  No second guessing, excuses, denial, sugar coating, or any other self defeating thoughts.  Put everything in its proper perspective, keep yourself honest, and just let it go.  

The woman that left me did me a favor.  In the end all she was doing was holding me back, and helping to enable the immature and irresponsible Mike to run wild.  I have experienced a lot of growth over the past six months, more so than in the past ten years of my life, and there was no room for her anymore in my life.  It was a tough time getting over it, I'm not gonna lie.  I had a rough few months, but part of my problem was in that very mindset.  Because for me, its not about getting over it, its about letting go.

Now I shall leave you all with another badass BRMC song.  Enjoy.

Born to Run

Sad news today.  Clarence Clemons, long time member of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band, passed away due to complications from a stroke he recently suffered.  Clemons and his saxophone were a staple of the band from 1972 until today.  My mom is a huge fan and was near tears when I broke the news to her.  So in honor of "the big man" as Bruce so affectionately called him, the song for today's blog is "Born to Run."  One of my favorite Springsteen songs, note the killer solo Clemons has around 2:12.

So this evening I have spent mostly enjoying some soothing music and drinking tea.  An odd choice on a hot day but the combination of this Tazo focus tea and Pandora radio's Mumford and Sons station is a killer combination to kick back and relax.  I realize this is not a very exciting Saturday evening, but I also don't give a shit.  I have done my time on the front lines of the social scenes, bar hoping and partying hard.  There were plenty of good times and lots of great memories with friends.  One of my favorite trips I have ever taken was to Ocean City, Maryland with a couple of my best friends.  That's right, OCMD baby, party central.  You can ride the bus all day for $2 and the buses run past last call.  We pre-gamed at our hotel, than drank and had a good time at various bars until we took the drunk bus back to the hotel at 2am for the after party.  I am pretty sure I streaked around the hotel during that trip at one point.  Actually I think there was a video of this very act, Marlene would remember.  Sleeping off the hangover on the beach the next day before starting the process all over again.  Seacrets is a fun time and they get great cover bands in there.  Awesome trip with some of my favorite humans.

Late on the night of August 22nd of 2009 I left a friends party to drive myself home.  The party had grown lame and I decided to go home to my own bed, or more likely some more booze and my own music.  I didn't make it all the way home.  I was blacked out drunk at this time and do not remember any of this, but I missed a slight turn in the road, took out a few mailboxes and in trying to swerve back on the road I hit the end of a guardrail.  This flipped my car, which actually had the roof torn off by a tree in the process and my poor Civic landed upside down and slid 100 feet into some brush.  My stupid fucking drunk ass crashed my car and almost killed myself that night.  Worse yet, I could have hurt or killed other people that night had I hit another vehicle instead of a tree.  I crawled out of the car, panicked and ran the mile and a half home bleeding profusely from my head and severely cut arm.  My seat belt saved my life, and my instinctive reaction of shielding my face with my arm saved me from permanent scarring on my face.  I am probably lucky I didn't pass out on the way home and bleed to death.  But I am lucky most of all that my stupid actions did not hurt anyone else that night.

So my typical Saturday night no longer involves a night at the bar.  I haven't had a drink of alcohol in over nine months at this point.  I spent a few months at a treatment facility because what caused me to crash that night was night the drinks I drank at that party. I drank heavily and partied hard for reasons that I didn't even fully understand.  There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, and there were a lot of skeletons hanging in my closet that I had never addressed.  This stuff was poisoning my soul, and it was stunting my growth as a man.  I found myself caught up in this almost frat boy type existence where the most important thing was always the next party.  Where I celebrated, or took the edge off with a drink.  I mourned the loss of a friend, the end of a relationship, the death of my grandfather, with booze.  I wasn't an alcoholic in the sense that I needed it to function, I didn't drink daily, all the excuses you could imagine.  Drinking was extremely self destructive for me, and the night of August 22nd it had progressed to the point that it nearly took my life.

Tonight I spent some time with my mother who is a wonderful woman.  I listened to some music and drank some tea and was perfectly content with just relaxing.  Later on I will get in a good workout on my new weight bench.  I work out on a regular basis, I bike to work a few times a week, I am training for half marathon next year.  Physical fitness is something I have always enjoyed but never let it settle into my normal routine.  Exercise is important for overall mental health, and these days I am feeling stronger than ever before both mentally and physically.  My job is important to me now, it always was but I never treated it like it was. The leadership capability I have always possessed is coming out and I am not sabotaging it with a poor attitude.  Life feels good.

There is a part of me that would really enjoy going out and spending some time with friends, enjoy a good band, eat some wings but I do not have any desire to drink.  One day that may change but for now there is no desire and I am ok

So that's what I am feeling tonight.  I have been meaning to put something like this down on paper, or type, for quite a while and tonight I finally had the right inspiration.  I do not talk about that accident much, and some reading this may not have ever known the details but it is an important and constant reminder for me.  Helps keep me from feeling sorry from myself, helps remind me of where I am coming from, and keeps me on the path to where I am going.  I feel like I was crawling through life, but baby I was born to run!

There is an Incubus song I love that has these lines in it:

"My past is perilous, but each scar I bear sings,
monuments to where I have been,
and melodies to where I am going."

I think that says it all.

There Will Be An Answer

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me.  Shine until the morning, let it be."

This is one of my favorite verse in a song that I have ever heard.  Paul McCartney wrote this song after having a dream about his mother.  She died from cancer when Paul was only 14 years old.  He later said "It was great to visit with her again.  I was very blessed to have that dream." Let It Be is a song that always makes me think of my grandfather and inspires me to be stronger, try harder, stay honest and all with a smile on my face. Just like he did his entire life.

My grandfather passed away seven years ago this month and he is still a powerful influence on his family.  My grandmother, his loving wife for 55 years, still has tough days. On holidays that we are together she says grace before the meal in the same way that he always did, with a tear in her eye.  I still miss him, but I try and remember him with a smile, or laugh at a joke that he once told me.  My grandfather was a funny man and he could always make a joke or tell a funny story that would lighten the mood, even at the most tense of moments.  When my sisters and I were young he would always joke with us about seeing pink elephants everywhere.  There was a full bar in my grandparents house downstairs and we used to sit at the stools and laugh at his stories while he would make us Shirley Temples... extra cherries for me. 

But he was also a very hardworking man.  He served our country in the Army during the end of World War 2 and was stationed in Germany during the Berlin Air Lift.  He told me stories about riding his motorcycle around the countryside over there and a night that he broke into one of Hitler's mansions with a buddy and took his own tour of the place.  Stole a piece of marble from a fireplace on the way out.  He worked hard and supported his family while going to night school.  It took him a while but he earned a Bachelors Degree from Fairleigh Dickenson university.  That kind of hard work and dedication is something that I admire and strive for in my own life. 

I have a tattoo on my back in honor of my grandfather.  He was very active with the church and was a devout Catholic his entire life.  He was a 3rd Degree Knight of Columbus and was very proud of that.  The tattoo is of the shield of the Knights of Columbus in the talons of an eagle.  The center of the shield has his initials "K.N." instead of K of C for the Knights.  I would like to add to it soon with that verse from Let It Be that I am so fond of.  I think it is the perfect complement to the shield.  I have been through some tough times but I have fought through adversity and remain strong and motivated.  I have been through my cloudy night, and that light is still shining brightly on me.  Thank you for watching over me grandpa.